One topic I typically address with my clients concerns their children’s relationships with one another. I often receive a puzzled look when bringing this up. However, the relationship your children have with each other should be taken into account during the estate planning process, as it is one of the most significant causes of family discord during a parent’s later years and after their passing.
I have seen seemingly functional families become deeply divided when difficult decisions must be made regarding a parent’s care, finances, or estate administration. While it is easy to live in denial and hope that your children will someday get along, when it comes to deciding who will manage your finances if you become incapacitated, who will make healthcare decisions on your behalf, or who will serve as executor of your estate, hope is not a plan.
Clients will often say to me, “I want my children to act jointly in all decision making—it will force them to learn work together.” My response is often a resounding, “Trust me, if they haven’t learned to work together by now, the time to continue the experiment is not when your health, well-being, or estate is at stake.”
While no estate plan can eliminate every disagreement, the following considerations can significantly reduce the likelihood of conflict:
Choose Fiduciaries Based on Ability, Not Birth Order
Many parents automatically select their oldest child to serve as executor, trustee, or agent under a Power of Attorney, believing it is the “fairest” option. While fairness and avoiding hurt feelings may seem logical, choosing the person best qualified for the role is often the better approach.
Ask yourself: If I were admitted to the hospital tomorrow, who would I want speaking with my doctors? If I could no longer manage my finances, who would be best suited to access my accounts, pay my bills, file my taxes, and handle the administration of my estate?
The individuals who are organized, trustworthy, responsive, financially responsible, and capable of handling difficult situations are often the strongest candidates. They may not be the oldest child. In fact, they may not even be a child at all!
Think Carefully Before Naming Co-Agents or Co-Executors
There can be significant benefits to appointing co-agents or co-executors, particularly when creating a system of checks and balances. However, these arrangements can also create disagreements and delays if the co-agents / executors are not compatible or do not communicate.
If every decision requires unanimous agreement, even routine matters can become complicated. Banks, financial institutions, and healthcare providers may require multiple signatures, creating additional administrative hurdles. In fact, many financial institutions now require co-agents acting under a Power of Attorney to have the authority to act independently. If your Power of Attorney requires co-agents to act jointly, a bank or financial institution may refuse to honor it.
In some families, appointing one decision-maker with clear authority is the more effective and peaceful solution.
Communicate Your Decisions
One of the most common causes of conflict is surprise. You are not obligated to justify every aspect of your estate plan. However, explaining your reasoning while you are healthy and able to do so can prevent misunderstandings later. When children understand why decisions were made, they are often less likely to assume favoritism or improper motives.
Document Your Wishes Clearly
Ambiguity is the enemy of family harmony. Whether it involves the distribution of personal property, charitable gifts, healthcare wishes, or the management of a family home, clear instructions can prevent disputes and reduce uncertainty. The more guidance you provide, the less room there is for disagreement.
Consider a Neutral Third Party When Appropriate
In some situations, the best choice may be a trusted professional, corporate trustee, or independent fiduciary. While many parents prefer to keep decision-making within the family, a neutral third party can remove emotional tensions and help ensure decisions are made objectively.
For families with significant conflict, this option may be worth serious consideration.
Final Thoughts
Every family has its own history and dynamics. As parents, we naturally want to believe our children will come together when we are gone. Sometimes they do and, unfortunately, sometimes they do not. Because of this, it is important to plan not for the family you wish you had, but for the family you do have!
After all, the goal of estate planning is not simply to transfer assets: it should also provide clarity, security, and peace of mind for the people you leave behind. Working with an experienced estate planning attorney can provide a valuable neutral perspective and help you put a plan in place where it matters most.
Lauren C. Enea, Esq. is a Partner at Enea, Scanlan & Sirignano, LLP. She concentrates her practice on Wills, Trusts and Estates, Medicaid Planning, Special Needs Planning and Probate/Estate Administration. She believes that it is never too early or too late to start planning for your future and she enjoys working with individuals to ensure that their plan best suits their needs. Ms. Enea received a B.S. in Business Management from Quinnipiac University graduating Magna Cum Laude and a J.D. from the Pace University School of Law graduating Summa Cum Laude. She is admitted to practice law in New York and Florida. She can be contacted at 914-948-1500 or www.esslawfirm.com and she has offices in both White Plains and Somers, New York.
Lauren C. Enea, Esq. is a Partner at Enea, Scanlan & Sirignano, LLP. She concentrates her practice on Wills, Trusts and Estates, Medicaid Planning, Special Needs Planning and Probate/Estate Administration. She believes that it is never too early or too late to start planning for your future and she enjoys working with individuals to ensure that their plan best suits their needs. Ms. Enea received a B.S. in Business Management from Quinnipiac University graduating Magna Cum Laude and a J.D. from the Pace University School of Law graduating Summa Cum Laude. She is admitted to practice law in New York and Florida. She can be contacted at 914-948-1500 or www.esslawfirm.com and she has offices in both White Plains and Somers, New York.
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11 Jun 2026
0 Commentsthey’ll work it out after i’m gone
One topic I typically address with my clients concerns their children’s relationships with one another. I often receive a puzzled look when bringing this up. However, the relationship your children have with each other should be taken into account during the estate planning process, as it is one of the most significant causes of family discord during a parent’s later years and after their passing.
I have seen seemingly functional families become deeply divided when difficult decisions must be made regarding a parent’s care, finances, or estate administration. While it is easy to live in denial and hope that your children will someday get along, when it comes to deciding who will manage your finances if you become incapacitated, who will make healthcare decisions on your behalf, or who will serve as executor of your estate, hope is not a plan.
Clients will often say to me, “I want my children to act jointly in all decision making—it will force them to learn work together.” My response is often a resounding, “Trust me, if they haven’t learned to work together by now, the time to continue the experiment is not when your health, well-being, or estate is at stake.”
While no estate plan can eliminate every disagreement, the following considerations can significantly reduce the likelihood of conflict:
Many parents automatically select their oldest child to serve as executor, trustee, or agent under a Power of Attorney, believing it is the “fairest” option. While fairness and avoiding hurt feelings may seem logical, choosing the person best qualified for the role is often the better approach.
Ask yourself: If I were admitted to the hospital tomorrow, who would I want speaking with my doctors? If I could no longer manage my finances, who would be best suited to access my accounts, pay my bills, file my taxes, and handle the administration of my estate?
The individuals who are organized, trustworthy, responsive, financially responsible, and capable of handling difficult situations are often the strongest candidates. They may not be the oldest child. In fact, they may not even be a child at all!
There can be significant benefits to appointing co-agents or co-executors, particularly when creating a system of checks and balances. However, these arrangements can also create disagreements and delays if the co-agents / executors are not compatible or do not communicate.
If every decision requires unanimous agreement, even routine matters can become complicated. Banks, financial institutions, and healthcare providers may require multiple signatures, creating additional administrative hurdles. In fact, many financial institutions now require co-agents acting under a Power of Attorney to have the authority to act independently. If your Power of Attorney requires co-agents to act jointly, a bank or financial institution may refuse to honor it.
In some families, appointing one decision-maker with clear authority is the more effective and peaceful solution.
One of the most common causes of conflict is surprise. You are not obligated to justify every aspect of your estate plan. However, explaining your reasoning while you are healthy and able to do so can prevent misunderstandings later. When children understand why decisions were made, they are often less likely to assume favoritism or improper motives.
Ambiguity is the enemy of family harmony. Whether it involves the distribution of personal property, charitable gifts, healthcare wishes, or the management of a family home, clear instructions can prevent disputes and reduce uncertainty. The more guidance you provide, the less room there is for disagreement.
In some situations, the best choice may be a trusted professional, corporate trustee, or independent fiduciary. While many parents prefer to keep decision-making within the family, a neutral third party can remove emotional tensions and help ensure decisions are made objectively.
For families with significant conflict, this option may be worth serious consideration.
Final Thoughts
Every family has its own history and dynamics. As parents, we naturally want to believe our children will come together when we are gone. Sometimes they do and, unfortunately, sometimes they do not. Because of this, it is important to plan not for the family you wish you had, but for the family you do have!
After all, the goal of estate planning is not simply to transfer assets: it should also provide clarity, security, and peace of mind for the people you leave behind. Working with an experienced estate planning attorney can provide a valuable neutral perspective and help you put a plan in place where it matters most.